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My Relationship Felt so Easy, and That’s Why It Was in Danger

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Ethical non-monogamy came relatively easily to me.

Looking back on my life, I can now recognise the signs that I have always been non-monogamous. Not that I would have thought so back then. I was firmly indoctrinated with the monogamy Kool-Aid.

And while I definitely had teething troubles with this new, exciting relationship style, over time it became clear it fit me like a glove. It just felt right.

But my new partner had a much harder time reaching that point. While ethical non-monogamy suited them perfectly, they found it a lot harder to get to fit so comfortably. And so, rather than simply leaning into it and going with the flow, they studied. They researched the best books on the subject, and they did the reading.

They put in the effort. And it quickly became clear they were handling things far better than I was.
Polyamory may have come easy to me, but I had no idea what I was doing.

So, what is the secret to success?

The debate between “Talent” and “Hard Work” is a long and ongoing one.

Do you have to be born with an innate talent to be truly great at something? Or is it possible for anyone to become great as long as they are ready to put in the hard work?

Well, smarter people than I have looked into it.

In their paper “Limits on the Predictive Power of Domain-Specific Experience and Knowledge in Skilled Performance,” David Hambrick and Elizabeth Meinz examined whether it was better to have innate talent or learned skills. Their conclusion? It depends.

Ah, don’t you love it when science provides us with these clear and concise answers?

So, let’s say Person A is born with innate talent, and Person B is not. Who is better at

  • If neither of them studies, Person A will always be better than Person B
  • If Person B studies but Person A doesn’t, Person B will be better.
  • If both study, Person A will remain better than Person B, but by a far smaller amount than if neither had studied.

 

There. All clear? To put it another way:

Even if you weren’t born with genius in your genes, you can outperform the smartest of individuals as long as you work hard and the latter doesn’t. Also, the differences between the smart and the not-so-smart shrink quite a bit if they both work hard. That means that talent still counts, but hard work puts you right up there. [Psychology Today]

I was leaving myself open to the risk of making a potentially damaging mistake.

And this is where I found myself. As my new relationship began, I was far more comfortable polyamory than my new partner. I took the lead. I held her hand through the difficult times.

But all my ability was based on innate knowledge and personal experience. I did what felt right, as what felt right was working for me. And while that made my life easier, it could only get me so far.

She, on the other hand, recognised that there was a gap in our knowledge. And, being the incredibly smart person that she is, she set out to learn the skills we both needed. And, while, of course, this wasn’t a competition, she soon reached a far healthier place than me.

So, being the reasonably smart person I am, I realised that I was leaving myself open to the risk of making a potentially damaging mistake. And so I followed her lead. I read the books she recommended and began to do my own research.

And guess what?

I got better at being polyamorous and at relationships in general. Both from the point of my interactions and relationships, but also within myself. I know myself better. I can see who I am and all the things in the world that can, and do, affect me.

I’m future-proofing myself and my relationships.

And this doesn’t solely apply to polyamory. I would argue that monogamous relationships are even more in danger of this. Because we’re taught that monogamy comes naturally and that seeking help is a sign of weakness.

But whether you’re monogamous or non-monogamous, your relationship isn’t something you should ever take for granted.

So whatever your relationship style, put in the effort. Because if you care about someone, then they deserve the work.

Ultimately, it all comes down to how much you respect your relationship.

Don’t just assume you know what you are doing. Even if you’re born naturally great at relationships, it doesn’t mean you don’t need to put the work in. Because there will always be people without your talent who put in the work and surpass you.

And if those people exist, why wouldn’t your partner want to be with them rather than you?

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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The post My Relationship Felt so Easy, and That’s Why It Was in Danger appeared first on The Good Men Project.


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